Joy, Always
By Delaine Andrea Powerful, they/them
Last year, during Capricorn Szn [season] 2018, I created 2 possibilities for myself. I promised myself that I would do the work to know what it feels like to exist freely and to be boundless. But, there was blockage. Anxiety, exhaustion, deep sadness and depression. The feelings that we all hold in our bodies, that some of us [me] try to ignore away, was causing a delay in me stepping into the possibilities for myself and for my future.
Why?
There is no space to create [new possibilities, experiences, pleasures, identities…] when your future is full of the pasts. It’s like when you walk into a room and already have an expectation about what’s going to happen, how people are going to interact with you. You go into that moment feeling doubt and self-conscious because your past [hurt, trauma, pain] is influencing your future, which affects how you are able to show up in the present. And you take extra precautions to care for these feelings and fears, even though you actually have no solid idea of what awaits you in that room. It’s like…your anxiety ever be on 1000 in anticipation of something, and that something never happens, and you wasted all that time having anxiety attacks, and fear, and doubt when you could have been just living your best life? Yeah... There is barely any space to create, to be present and open to new possibilities when your future is full of the past. So, in light of Capricorn Szn of 2018, I made an active choice and plan to find ways to create this space. And, this meant that I had to give up my past. Every day, I had to, and continue to, choose to give up my past.
January 2018, aka Capricorn Szn, I did this really intense (cult-like but not a cult) program called Landmark that completely changed my life. I fully attribute "the space” I created for myself to step into and experience so many forms of joy, to this month-long moment. During this time, I realized that I got to create and recreate and recreate who I am. Which meant I got to erase everything that did not serve me and put something new in its place. But, I feared others not seeing, validating, or affirming this newness. And this fear, created by traumatic experiences in my past, wasn’t allowing me to move forward. It was blocking my possibilities. It was blocking this space I was working so hard to create. There is no space to create when your future is full of the pasts. So, I chose this newness for myself, even if the people around me refused it. Even if those around me were still moving into their futures with their hearts and minds glazed over by their pasts. And, as I stepped into this new place, I realized that the people who were still around me were the people with whom I could exist freely and be boundless with.
Through this movement, I learned that I get to choose my possibilities. I can choose to be angry or sad, or I can choose to create space for another feeling to either take its place or share the space. We are multidimensional beings. We can hold so many emotions and feelings at once. We can experience and move through hurt and pain (and we should because healing isn’t clean or often fun) and joy at the same time. And, it’s not to say that whatever the moment or experience was that made me angry or sad wasn’t harmful or traumatic or really hard, or that those feelings aren’t justified. But, it is to say that claiming power over yourself is a real thing! When I began to understand this, I began saying to myself “I choose joy, always.” And, during the most difficult situations, when I was hurting so deeply when others wanted to make me small, make me insignificant when others were thrusting their own hurt and pain onto me, I chose joy, even if just for the moment. I chose a joyful struggle. Because I am the space in which all things occur. And if I choose joy at the moment, space is created within me to experience it, and I don’t have to do much to pull joy into that space - especially because I have a list of 10 things that bring me joy - that I can look to at any moment. Shoutout to Bri Pickens for this :).
My femme sibling, Natyna Bean, once asked during our Black & Brown Femme retreat in January 2018 “What are you ascending from & to?” My answers continue to serve as my guide, as I move through this world, this life:
‘I’m ascending from solitude, repressed feelings, and confusion. From people’s expectations and pressures. From financial constraints and tainted relationships. From Yesterday.
I am ascending to the possibility of existing freely. To making connections, to breathing and exhaling community, to adventure and joyful struggle, to trusting myself. To today and not tomorrow.’
I am the space in which all things occur. All of the self-work I did in 2018 exploded into this year. I’ve cried, felt broken, been lied to, been harmed. But, I’ve also experienced my most joyful and transformational year yet! I’ve done so much traveling, I’ve built the most beautiful romantic friendships, I allowed myself the deepest love with my life partner, I moved to a new state, I told my momma about my Black queer agender asexual self, I began *remote* working at the dopest Black org to set Black people free from cages, I began therapy, I paid off my school loans, I parent over 10 plants, I’m actualizing my dreams of being a farmer, I’m making moves to be in theater to satisfy my Leo moon, I’ve done so so much! And, I’m so excited about what’s to come.
How can you create space for your joy? Let’s talk :)
