Extinguishing Ego
By Tatiana Mangram-Rock
e·go: a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
/ˈēɡō/
DJ Khaled said, “don’t ever play yourself,” these were once wise words until he played himself after allowing his ego to overcome friendly “not-so” competitor Tyler, the Creator. Khaled—the producer synonymous for his positive posts and fostering fatherly pics—acted more like a spoiled brat in his disdain for Billboard outcomes. After Khaled had to settle as no. 2 compared to Tyler, the Creator’s IGOR— his 5th project, which was entirely self-produced and written—debuted at the top of the charts. Khaled took to IG to share his thoughts on Tyler’s “mysterious shit.”
Just like that, the “they" talk, the positive rap, diminished. This interaction got me thinking. Ego is a tool, but it requires balance. Like a balloon, ego can be inflated and deflated. In this case, Khaled definitely looked like an ass with an inflated ego. To be honest—if you can be honest—we’ve all been there; inflated egos, larger than an expanded puffer fish.
When Bakary reached out to me to contribute, I was excited, but I had no words. I needed time, more time than I bargained with him for, but I wanted to reflect. I needed to share something new and hopefully relatable, that’s when I landed on EGO, all caps necessary.
2019 has felt the year of rebirth and renewal for me. I made a couple of goals. My goals are more like wishes, a coin toss in the fountain, so if things don’t pan out I don’t take it as personally. A defense mechanism I’ve built overtime to protect my ego. Regardless, I’ve realized halfway into the year a lot of those “wishes” have manifested into reality: new job, new lease on life, new encouraging friends, a hosting/mc’ing gig, and a panel speaker. Most of these bullet points can be used as resume builders.
Outwardly, I try not to make a big deal about myself, but inwardly I’m a mix between a nervous wreck and egomaniac. Hear me out, I’ve understood that I am an emotionally intelligent individual; however, that doesn’t quite my ego trip voice.
The most recent experience, speaking on a panel, an opportunity I wanted early in the year because I thought it would be cool. I like attention, I’m an only child and extrovert. Then, the desire intensified when I saw peers and people I admired talking about joining events to speak. I was ready to give the ego monster all my cookies. How could “they” get selected for opportunities? What did “they" have to do? Am I not qualified? Do people like listening to me? All questions I overwhelmed myself with. Then, my time came. A mentor wanted me to speak at an annual conference he hosts, the Rethink Education Summit.
He wanted to speak on the Pathways to Success: “The New Student Experience.” Who was I really to speak on this? Then again, I did have something valuable to add. I have never truly had the traditional educational experience. My high school experience was disrupted when my mom decided to make the move from Baltimore to Atlanta during my sophomore year. I moved back and forth. I dropped out of the first university I attended and took two years off. I joined an unconventional, but life changing program called Year Up, and landed an internship at a Fortune 500 Company without enrollment into someone’s university. After two years off and 3 schools later I completed my degree, created a phone case distributed in Verizon [then at] Target, and left a job I struggled to grow at. Yet, none of it mattered when I got on that stage because my focus was less on telling my story and more on how I would come off to people and be impressive. Even my mentor gave me feedback about my storytelling, he mentioned that I didn’t share “my” story. I had failed to mention a lot the details related to why he invited me in the first place, as I explained earlier. My lesson was learned, “I played myself.” I had to reconsider, whose story was I trying to tell: my truth or the truth that competed with the others alongside me? Similar to Khaled, I left the people who know me confused. Although, my story did not include me being someone I’m not, it did reflect how I responded to my co-panelists, as if we were competition. Instead, we all had stories to share and my authentic story didn’t need to be influenced by their responses in order to be impressive.
Plainly, ego can fog your vision to the point where you’re not allowing yourself to be seen in the light that others know you to be. When we take the wheel and strap ego in the backseat we can have moments that will transform our connections with people, our surroundings, and our health—don’t your feel a little healthier when you’re minding your own business and working in your purpose? There is a place for us all to win. Yes, I might be “better” with certain things, but my path is set up differently. What’s meant for you, doesn’t mean it was meant for me, yes even if it looks and sounds better. It’s a work in progress, and easy to get caught up, but I’m ready to take more rides with ego on the sidelines and leave my fears blowing in the wind.
