PCH pt. 1
By Christopher Hearn
God puts my wildest dreams right in front of my face but doesn’t let me grab them. It could be preparation or it could be punishment. It could be preparation. But it could also be punishment. Maybe it’s neither. Maybe God has put my dreams in front of my face with hopes that I would just have enough faith to reach out, but I am too afraid. Maybe I choose to blame God for a lack of faith.
This isn’t a thinkpiece that necessarily has a happy ending or moral of the story. I just believe that vulnerability helps us feel seen, and maybe can give us the strength to move from our stuck places.
I was so new to LA that I hadn't unpacked either of the 2 suitcases that I brought with me when I made the decision to move my life here. The boarding pass from my flight was still on the nightstand of my airbnb while I figured out where I was going to live. But I got a call. Someone I had met only once in NYC more than a year ago. Someone I had barely talked to outside of sporadic emails. I had sent him a message to let him know I’d be moving to California before I did, knowing that he had business prospects in LA and hoping that maybe our interactions would finally result in an opportunity for me there. Sure enough, when I got to LA, he told me there was a “project he could use my help on.” With little more information than that, I continued the process of settling in and mapping out my next steps. Little did I know, plans were being made including me without my knowledge. One day in the middle of a week, at about 9:30p, he called me to tell me that an uber was on the way to pick me up to take me to an Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills. His “business partner” would be waiting there for me, they wanted help with marketing a record label that had just recruited some new promising artists. He made sure not to name names until I was in the uber and well on my way to the destination. That night I sat down in an empty restaurant with a rapper I grew up listening to. We talked about my background and what he was hoping to do in the future. After about 30 minutes, he told me he would reach out the next week to talk more. He went back to his pasta, I went back to my airbnb and a week later I received a text. “Meet us at this address. We’re in Malibu.” I was excited and nervous to finally have a real chance to present the strategies I'd come up with.
My GPS led me into the hills, through roads hidden from anyone who didn’t have the exact same address typed in as me. There was no way to stumble upon this place. Once I arrived, I saw a huge white mansion with a tall black gate at the end of a long driveway. When I walked in, there was a full camera crew, a makeup team, PA’s, snack tables, designers running around the house, and security posted in hallways. They forgot to mention in the text that I would be arriving to a video shoot for an unreleased song, featuring an artist from the label I was helping with and the most popular artist of summer 2019. She walked past me, arm in arm with a stylist who was explaining her look for the next poolside scene. I found a place to sit and observe. That day I didn’t get to present any ideas. Hours passed, I had conversations with some of the other characters there, ate, read, and walked around the property. Before I knew it, the sun was setting and the film crew was packing up. Someone approached me and said that the team would reach back out to me the next day to set up a proper time to go over ideas. I walked out of the house and back down the long driveway with my mind spinning.
As I drove away, I had mixed feelings of both euphoria and anxiety. I had just spent the day at a video shoot for one of the most popular artists out right now, but what did that mean for me? I always prided myself on being able to move differently in a space according to the reason I was there, but that doesn’t take into account how I feel. I’m capable of sitting in a meeting for an artist and coming up with a full strategy to introduce them to new audiences without ever once mentioning my own music. That doesn’t silence the voice in my head wondering why they get to have a full team working to promote them while I can’t even get someone to reply to an email. How can someone who’s been making music for 9 months get their break before someone working for 9 years?
As I drove down the Pacific Coast Highway, these thoughts zoomed through my head then out with the breeze coming through my open windows. Every conclusive thought was followed by one to challenge it. “Maybe I’ve been holding on to something too tight for too long that was never really meant for me.” The light turned green. “Or maybe I'm being tested to reveal how much I want what I say I do. And God often rewards blessings as soon as he confirms faith.” With no one in particular to blame, I always question my own effort. “Have you even really been trying? Was it your best? What about when you passed up this opportunity? Why didn’t you try this option? What progress have you really made? If your real goal is to help your people, why is this so important to you anyway?” A 30 minute drive felt like 30 hours. The cycle of criticism and self assurance lasted the entire drive home, into the next day, and for the next few months. It still hasn’t stopped. I’m growing and learning and accomplishing as much or more than anyone around me expected, but the voice still persists. “Is this the path you’re meant to take or the one you wished you were meant to take?”
Some things go away when ignored, some things grow.
Almost a year later, the voice is loud enough to make ignoring it not an option. I think I'm coming to a conclusion that I’ve never considered before. The conflict I feel isn’t because of the unknown answers to the never-ending questions I ask myself, it’s because of the fact that I ask questions at all. Even worse, I’ve been asking myself questions that aren’t up to me to answer. If I spend all of my time considering which path is best, I will never make the decision to actually take one. The split in the path was never about choosing the right way or wrong way, but about choosing action or no action. It took me looking back on my experiences in a critical way to realize this possibility. I’ve been smart enough, and I’ve been good enough. I’ve been resilient enough. But how often did I put these qualities to the test? I realized I had been focusing so much on preparing and comparing and deliberating that I didn’t leave room to act.
Maybe that night on the PCH I should have taken a moment to zoom out and look at the full picture to gain perspective. I was leaving from one destination and moving towards another. I had many questions, but none of them stopped me from getting where I needed to go. None of my sporadic thoughts stopped me from appreciating the breeze on my arm, or the color of the sky. If my thoughts didn't stop me from moving physically, or moving through life in the day to day, they shouldn't stop me from moving towards my dreams. I’ve realized that I don’t need answers in order to be active, or appreciative. That one way or another, if I keep going, I’ll make it to where I need to be. Lord knows I still wonder and I still pause every now and then to think about which way I should turn. But I’ve decided to keep moving.
