LIFE AFTER BURNING
By OBI93
For years now, weather permitting, whenever I find myself waking up earlier than usual, I go for a walk. Not able to fall back asleep, I seek stimulation, which usually ends up being coffee and music.
Headphones on, I find something that matches whatever mood I’m in – typically some instrumental that I can paint a canvas with my own words to. Flows and cadences come about and I’m usually nodding my head in my own approval or discontent, being my own toughest critic during this mental exercise. Truth be told, this little routine kept me sharp for a little less than a decade now. God knows I love hip-hop like cooked food, but passion has never really been enough for me– a lot of people rap; a lot of people create compelling pieces of work – who the fuck am I? I’m just another fish in the ocean. I’m OBI93 and it took me a while to know what that meant.
I’ve broken so many promises to God, sometimes I wonder if God’s listening. Summer of 2014, if I showed you the picture of the car accident I was in, you would have thought everyone in that vehicle was 6 feet under. Crazy thing is, while in the front passenger seat before the incident, “life is a traffic jam, life is a traffic jam” from “Ab Soul’s Outro” on Kendrick’s Section 80 was playing in my ear. Next thing I know, I’m being carried out of a vehicle that’s smashed together like an accordion. My father was in the back seat; he suffered minor back and shoulder injuries. When he got out the car through the back window, he was scared to look at me thinking I lost my legs (my seat was the point of collision). Somehow, I came out damage-free so I made some promises—broke them later though. When I fall short of my own standards and expectations, it’s disconcerting. This disconcert can be personified with pride, greed, lust or some other vce that keeps me short of being “100”.
Sometimes I’m a good boy who volunteers, donates time and money for homelessness alleviation and mentor-mentee programs for kids who look like me and come from where I’m from. Sometimes I’m an emotionally unavailable partner who becomes toxic because feeling angry in the moment feels good.
Sometimes I’m super-duper nice to everyone and want to show my best self to new people I’m fond of. Sometimes extending myself to unrequited emotions becomes an anxious search for validation and closure.
Sometimes shooting my pops’ shotgun on the village rooftop in Nigeria feels like really good father-son time. Sometimes that same gun is a reminder that we live in fear of our own people.
Sometimes I want to be the best tech professional my education has taught me to be. Sometimes I smoke a joint to forget feeling complacent about advancing someone else’s business objectives and goals instead of my own.
Sometimes you get a partner who helps you grow in the most emotionally intelligent manner your teenage self could have never imagined. Sometimes you go to strip clubs and bars in search of the picturesque ideal woman that toxic masculinity and ego desperately want.
Sometimes you really try to “love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Sometimes you get into neighborhood fights because African-American kids don’t like Africans. Crazy when you think about it right?
Tug and Pull. Ebb and flow Good deeds and bad deeds.
Interestingly enough, the week before writing this I was just having a conversation with a cousin of mine about the idea of good deeds versus bad deeds and “the after life.” We mostly conversed about a line he heard from me in a song I shared -- “if my wrongs greater than rights, I’m not in the book of life.” He asked how I perceived myself. I could tell from the eye contact he was genuinely concerned about where my head was at.
I used to judge my relationship with God based on my ability to get signs or signals correct. Call it superstitious, but if there was a decision to be made, I would manage to get a physical indication of what choice I should make. A policeman tipped his hat at me at a red light while I'm on the way to do something I’m not proud of. I missed the bus by a second to go play basketball in a neighborhood my pops told me to stay away from. My partner told me she doesn’t like the personality of a business colleague the first 5 seconds she met him (she’s usually right).
When I received these “signals” then I guessed God was alright with me and still present in my life in an amicable manner. When I didn’t then I needed to check myself spiritually and ethically. More times than I’m proud of, I found myself ignoring these signals and doing whatever I wanted. For a period of time, I felt like I was letting myself down, letting God down, my wrongs outweighing my rights. I became fearful my life after death would be burning rather than some “paradise”.
I don’t read the Bible as much as I used to. That night on that LA rooftop, my cousin shared some meaningful, thoughtful verses that I’ll drop here for anyone ever going through what I went through -- Romans 3: 9-28. These verses showed me that no matter what I do, I’m always gonna fall short of being righteous in God’s eyes. Because of human nature no one will be righteous in God’s sight just by their good works. I put all this mental pressure to be my best self, which created unhealthy, unrealistic expectations.
There are 7 deadly sins in theology (pride, lust, ego, gluttony, wrath, greed, sloth) that keep most people from being their best selves. That’s why I ended up with OBI93, because these 7 vices are always gonna keep us short of 100.
I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable with my spectrum of self as I navigate these vices. And still I work on what needs working (shoutout to therapy). But,most days accepting my spectrum of self, from the good to the ugly, gives me peace of mind that I believe is hard to find. Headphones on , “Money, Cash, Hoes” by Jay-Z plays -- a sweet symphony to this personal and spiritual strife. In the words of Jigga, “we gonna sin a lot and pray that Christ forgive us.” And I’m okay with that. Hope God is too.
