Dear Ramadan
BY nabintou doumbia
Do goodbyes ever get easier?
This is our 27th reunion, so that’s 27 goodbyes but why does it feel harder with time and not easier?
They say you are the company you keep and your friends are a reflection of you, but somehow I can’t wrap my mind around the idea that you in all of your perfection is a reflection of me in all of my sinfulness.
This friendship is one I don’t feel deserving of--I neither sought you out nor do I show our connection the attention it deserves.
I think about you in passing--a lot actually. Yet for 335 days out of the year, you are more of a fleeting thought than anything else. And when the days draw shorter, and nights expand, I am reminded that you will be visiting me soon.
I don’t do much to prepare your welcome, yet selfishly hope you will come back into my life, and leave it better than you found it like you’ve already done so many times before. Just days before your arrival, I begin frantically running around to decorate my home for you, brainstorm some of your favorite meals, and even reflect on cool activities we can do together. Thirty straight days is a long time to spend with anyone, nevermind a friend that calls you to elevate into a higher self. Growth can be exhausting, but you seem to accept no excuses from me. So I find myself fasting all day and standing all night, desperately seeking your approval.
But when your visit is up, O Ramadan. You remind me that I am not proving myself to you, rather unearthing a version of myself that was there all along. Somehow, the 11 months of the year that I spend questioning Allah’s love for me, you arrive and eradicate all doubts of in the span of 30 days--or 29 when you want to flex. How do I grapple with the fact that I put so little into this relationship, yet the output is always more abundant than the last?
I think that is precisely what shocks me about you, O Ramadan, you are a companion to me not because I show you the value you deserve, but because you are a friendship gifted to me by the Greatest of Friends.
Our time is coming to an end again, and I know it will likely only take a few short weeks for me to forget all of the intimate moments we shared. But I hope that is no indication that our friendship is coming to an end.
What I really want to ask is that you stay forever, but I am logical enough to know that cannot be. So instead, I offer my apologies for my bare minimum hospitality, and in my human selfishness, I desperately ask that you call out to the Heavens on my behalf with a prayer that this isn’t goodbye--just “until next time.”
