By diaka thiam

In my early twenties, I had a garden in which I planted several seeds. Each seed meant something different in my life. I watered these seeds daily, sometimes with delay, never on time. Yet, I still watered them, with hopes of them growing into something lovely. Some seeds were for relationships, some for good grades in school, and others for my parents. Looking back at this garden, I realize I didn’t plant my seeds correctly or focus on how much water was needed for my garden. Reflecting on this garden today, I see that everything in that garden was worldly-focused. Nothing on the Hereafter. Nothing on pleasing Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala). Nothing on connecting with Allah (SWT).

My garden became frail as I struggled to cry and connect with Allah. I spent years waiting for the tears to spill, fall, but nothing. My heart hardened as I abandoned my garden. I roamed around this world with my eyes dry and searching for meaning. I searched for purpose, love, praise, and something meaningful. I was desperate and began to surround myself with people who were just clouds of smoke. The more I inhaled, the more my lungs suffered severely. As I wandered, I became sick. The sickness traveled to my heart, and it was at that point I realized enough was enough. But I didn’t know how to treat my sick heart. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to return to my garden. I didn’t know how to talk to Allah (SWT) nor form a relationship with Him because I didn’t know Him. Not like how I do now.

I felt alone, but I yearned to return to my garden—a yearning to be surrounded by people reminding me of Allah’s love and mercy. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I revisited my garden with this new feeling in my heart—a feeling I wasn’t sure how to describe then, but I was hopeful. I planted a new seed to get closer to Allah. This became the first seed planted in my newly awakened journey. A gradual process for change. It was slow initially, but Allah (SWT) helped me back up as I kept falling.

To get closer to Allah, I needed to read and understand His Book, His words. I grew up memorizing a few Surahs without understanding what they meant. I knew that had to change. I read Surah Al-Baqarah. Then, I read until I got to the last verse of the Surah. Tears that I thought would never escape fell. I remember gasping, my eyes blurry, blinking multiple times, and letting Allah’s words consume me. I couldn’t stop crying, shaking, and wondering where this feeling was all along. I thought of my hardships in that last verse and was reminded of Allah’s mercy. I thought it was too late, but as I got to know Allah (SWT) and read His words, His Book, my heart began to soften. I planted a few more seeds in my garden— for Allah’s guidance, love, and forgiveness.

My garden looks different now compared to my garden in my early twenties. As I continue to foster this relationship with Allah (SWT), as I am surrounded by people who I love and who love me for the sake of Allah (SWT), as Allah (SWT) becomes the center and focus in my life, my heart continues to soften and grow fonder. We all have our gardens. We choose which seeds we want to plant– duas to make, and we pray daily, on time, to ensure those seeds are watered.