Do you remember the last time you were afraid of being alone? Does the thought of being alone terrify you? Do you recall the last time you felt lonely? Were you alone or in a crowd of people?

I remember many times I was terrified of being alone. As a kid, I never wanted to sleep alone in the dark. I preferred to share a room with my cousins knowing that on the chance that someone tried to kidnap me at night, I had someone to help fight them off. To this day, standing alone in line at the grocery store waiting for my aunt as she shops terrifies me. As I get closer and closer to the cashier my heartbeat increases as I frantically look around for my aunt. I imagine that I would end up in jail because I failed to pay for the groceries but having my aunt by my side reassured me this would not be my fate.

The comfort in knowing someone is by your side is priceless—whether they stay in a dark room with you, stand in line with you at the grocery store, or share moments of intimacy with you. But this doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with being alone. Society has built a negative connotation around being alone; creating fears and anxieties for some people where they shouldn’t exist. I’ve personally grown to enjoy spending time alone as well; finding myself watching netflix alone or settling into a book by my lonesome. Choosing to be alone like this is different from feeling lonely. There are times when I go out with friends to a club and the place is full of people, but I find myself posted on a wall regretting leaving my bed for the night. I prefer spending intimate moments with people. These are usually one-on-one talking about life and providing a space for each other to be vulnerable.

An intimate relationship is a beautiful thing when it’s the right fit. Ideally, you’re with someone that you can be your whole self around, someone you love, grow with, someone you support , and have fun with. It can end up being terrible if you and your partner don’t feel the same way about each other or the relationship.

Speaking with my friends lately, I’ve noticed an underlying theme in our conversations of being afraid of being alone/lonely. I find that a lot of us are staying in intimate relationships knowing:

1. We see no future with the person;

2. We are not really attracted to the person; or

3. We aren’t being honest in the relationship

Knowing these things and that our partners intend to build a future with us, we stay in these relationships selfishly; taking advantage of the few ways our partners stimulate us. Either because of the  sexual comfort they provide, the money they give us, or the portrayal of happiness that others see. We stay in these relationships because we don’t want to be alone instead of considering our partners feelings. 

It took me awhile to realize what I was doing because I was consumed in myself and my own feelings. Finally someone had accepted me for who I am and allowed me to tap into my emotions. When I realized I was only using her for emotional support and physical comfort, it really bothered me because I felt like a hypocrite knowing how I felt when someone used me like this in the past. I would die inside little by little each time my partner at the time would express her gratitude for my presence in her life or love for me knowing that I did not feel the same way. Eventually, I found a way to tell her and made a promise to myself to never do that to someone again.  

If you’re reading this and find yourself in a similar situation, take some time to reflect. If you know your intentions are selfish, let your partner know how you feel, even if that means ending the relationship. We should never drag on a relationship knowing we’re not fully committed, using our partners to fill a void. Instead, free yourself and your partner. Learn more about yourself by embracing being alone, recognizing if your fears can be actualized (like kidnappers or jail time) or are purely symbolic for a deeper hurt. Remember, hurt people hurt people.